Mr. Fiddler, thank you for stopping by my humble blog today.
(Owen – nods acknowledgement, puts out his cigarette, takes a seat) – Pleasure Ma’am, Lisa.
How’s everything going for you lately?
How’s it all going? Oh, ‘bout the same as usual, I guess. Nothin’ ever goes too well for me, and even though I complain a lot about it, it don’t seem to help none.
How are you enjoying all these VBT visits?
VBT? What the h- … oh, that’s one o’ them ackernims, right? Lemme guess, ah – Virtual. Blog … Tour? He he, see, I ain’t stupid. Well, I’d haveta say it’s been JFD!
JFD? I’m sorry?
Just (bleep)in’ Ducky!
(wide-eyed, swallow a gasp and cover my mouth with my hand) – Mr. Fiddler, I have to remind you this is a family friendly …
(Owen’s cell phone rings. He flips it open, listens for a second, then hangs up with a crimson-faced chagrin) – Sorry, Ma’am, that was Marvin, the author of my biography. He was royally PO’d, told me to mind my language or else. Sorry, didn’t realize we had kids an’ folks with virgin ears ‘n all that listenin’ in. My bad.
Well, okay, no harm, really – thanks for your consideration. Was it your idea to do a VBT in order to save gas and trees? No sarcasm meant, that’s a sincere question. I think it’s a great way to meet folks.
Nah, that’s all Marvin Wilson’s idea. He’s got all these marketing ideas, and he’s one o’ them ecological-minded kinda guys, y’know. OWEN FIDDLER is out now in trade paperback, but before that he put out our book in Ebook format for people who like to think they can save the world by singin’ Kumbaya ‘n all that new age warm ‘n fuzzy (bleep) – ACH! Darn – sorry, Ma’am. Anyways, the No Dead Trees Cyber Tour, it’s just a long drawn out cutsie way of sayin’ we’re doin’ this internet marketing thing right now, you know.
How are things with you and Kris?
Huh? Kris? Oh, oh, oh … yeah, Marvin tells me there’s some spooky crap gonna happen to me – gonna have some out-of-body spiritual experience, meet some deity called Kris or some crap – all that kind of talk gives me the creepy-crawlies. Me, I wish he’d just wrote the ending with me winning the Super Lotto. That’d be my idea of a happy ending.
Marvin has been darn good to you with introducing you to folks and getting you all sorts of publicity. Have you ever let him know you appreciate him? How?
Well, I’m sittin’ here not smoking, no drink in my hand, talking myself blue in the face, mindin’ my P’s & Q’s, ‘n been doin’ this for weeks now, just so’s he can sell him a bunch o’ books, so that’s my way of sayin’ thanks. Not like I owe him or nobody nothing. This thing takes off, I want my share of the profits, too.
What’s your take on the recent nationwide salmonella scare with tomatoes? Did it affect your eating habits at all?
Salma-who? Ah, I don’t read the news, much – it’s always bad stuff, anyways. I don’t get sick much – except for in the head (laughs) – but, no, I ain’t changed my eatin’ habits none at all. Salmonella, huh? Watch – betcha they find some way to raise the gas prices over that stupid (bleep). Dang! (slaps his cheek) Sorry again, Lisa.
No problem, we’ve got a 5 second tape delay for quick zap-edits. You’re doing fine. So -what’s a typical day in the life of Owen?
Get up, throw up, shake off a hangover, take a cold shower, eat somethin’ easy to fix, drag my a-, I mean, my butt off to work, suffer through another meaningless day, try an’ not commit murder dealing with my boss ‘n the idiots I work with, then head to the bar so’s I can tie one on and see if I can’t score me some – ah, well … you know. Then get up the next day and start the same old crap over again. Repeat this cycle ad infinitum, ad nauseum. That’s pretty much my life.
How’d Father’s Day go for you? I’m guessing you might have felt a little down. Maybe you sat and reflected on your past and made some great plans for the future? I’m just guessing.
Great plans? Yeah, right – that’s a good one. Nah, Father’s Day is just another lonely day. Did get to at least talk to my daughter, Frenda, though. She’s been tryin’ to get to know me better here lately, now that she’s grown an’ out on her own. That’s the one and only bright spot in my life, my baby girl Frenda. She’s really somethin’ special. Total opposite of me, a real angel. I lost out on raisin’ her for most of her life, my ex took her away from me in the divorce. Took her and everything else I had, that (bleep) – oops.
So you’re 45 and feeling old, I hear. How do you feel about the idea that maybe you’re only half-way through life?
The glass is half empty, an’ I don’t see no refills coming.
Got any big plans for the next 40 years? Well, other than sleeping with every woman on the planet, that is. But I must say that’s quite a goal – does that include married women? Or just the single ones 18 and over?
Oh, you read that in one of my earlier interviews, eh? I was just kidding, kind of - but not really … well, maybe. I like sex. Can’t seem to keep a wife, so I takes it when I can get it, y’know? I like catchin’ panties off-guard, makes me feel good for a little bit. And, yeah, if a woman’s married an’ still lookin’ – who’m I to tell her no? (laughs).
Mr. Fiddler, hypothetically, if I told you I saw a man drop his wallet the other day and that I picked it up and was going to return it, but then noticed how full of cash it was and so I kept the wallet and the cash…what’s your advice? Should I turn it in to the police?
Hell, no! If you’re gonna turn it in anyway, give it to me! Here’s my number – call me! What’re ya, nuts?
If humans start populating another planet, would you want to go into outer space and settle a new colony?
Jeez, now there’s a scary idea – Owen Fiddler in outer space! I dunno, maybe it’d be a good idea. Maybe there’s another world where Murphy’s Laws don’t apply – where God takes care of poor schmucks like me – where a guy can get a decent break without havin’ to bust his (bleep) for it all the time and then STILL not get a fair shake. Find me a planet or some world like that? I’m THERE, baby!
Do you like chocolate, Mr. Fiddler? How about jelly beans?
Huh? Weird. Ahm, okay, I like chocolate, and I don’t like jelly beans. Ya wanna know my favorite color, too? (shakes his head and snickers)
Thank you for your time, today, I’m sure you’ve made a lasting impression on any visitors to my blog. I wish you well in your travels!
Been my pleasure, Lisa. ‘N thanks for havin’ me on. Hey, if your readers wanna visit with me and communicate, I got a myspace at: www.myspace.com/owen_fiddler. If they want to get a copy of my book, it’s available at: http://www.amazon.com/ and http://www.cambridgebooks.us/ and also at your favorite bookstore. The book info site is at: http://www.owenfiddler.com/
(Phone rings) Opps, excuse me (Owen answers, listens, hangs up) Sorry, that was Marvin Wilson – he wants me to let everyone know that he LOVES getting emails from his readers, you can reach him at: email@example.com – and his myspace is: www.myspace.com/Paize_Fiddler. Oh, and yeah – make sure and leave a comment on today’s blog. He’s giving away a free first chapter sample of OWEN FIDDLER to anyone who leaves a comment, and that also makes you eligible for a drawing – one person will get a free paperback copy of the book at the end of the tour – just after the 4th of July.
(Owen gets up, pulls out his smokes) Well, I guess that’s about it. It’s been real - thanks again, Lisa!